Lately, everything seems to be going wrong for me. Health concerns, job applications unanswered, having to deal with fallout from past friendships and relationships. It’s been the worst of times, but the best of times, if I could steal a little from Dickens’ ideology.
I’ve really been able to get down to the core of my personality and deal with all the unpleasant things I would never post to Facebook. As a matter of fact, as I write, my sister and cousin posted a “positive husband” photo–you know, one of those inspirational sharing things that people craft onto coffee mugs for office-party presents. It reminds me of all the trouble I’ve ever been in, trying to find such a husband. :)
There was a time I frequented the self-help blogs. The ones that say, “ignore the men and they will chase you.” Yeah, that’s the problem. The ones that chase me are the ones I don’t want, and I do ignore. It’s never really addressed properly by the self-help-people. I expect that is because no one wants to admit the truth… at some point in time we all are attracted to people we have no business being with.
But right now, in my little apartment, I feel that I’m finally without any resources expect myself and God’s help. I just don’t seem to take a step forward without taking one back.
This is the time one of my friends warned me about. She said, “You might be broke (I’m not) or just stripped down to your essential self before you can move on.
Ok, I have been stripped down, and I’m slowly losing my grip on those things I always thought I wanted. Security is overrated at times. I’m currently listening to some teenagers in the restaurant where I’m at, musing if they would rather be “chain smokers or alcoholics.” Wow. I could have been there, some years ago. I could have married someone like that. Guess what, I didn’t.
Maybe I’ve not made the best of choices, but I’m here, now, and breaking away from what looks like a small-town world. I’m ready for whatever adventures I have next, because I’ve grown so much over the past few years. Hopefully I will not lose the ground I have gained. :)